Monday's:Post from the Past

I don't have any pictures of the backyard!!!

Back when I posted 100 things about me (you can click here to read it if you haven't already) , I commented about an experience that I had a few years ago and some of you were interested in hearing more about this experience and how it affected me so, here it is. (if you have already heard the story sorry).

It was Feb. 3  years ago and we were living in Bonney Lake, Washington. My daily routine back then was take the kids to school and go straight to the gym. Ali was in kindergarten and it was a Wednesday so she only went to school half day. I got home from the gym in just enough time to shower and get to the school to pick her up. Usually, I would shower in the kids bathroom but this day for some reason, I decided to use the shower in our bedroom. When I got out of the shower, I could hear loud talking but didn't really think much of it until it continued. (Our bedroom had a sliding glass door that walked out to a deck). I decided to walk over and look out the door and see if I could see anything. I looked and didn't see anything for a minute but then as I looked a little harder, I saw my neighbor laying on the ground (all i could see were his legs). At first I didn't think much of it because he was often out in the yard working so I just thought he we on the ground trying to cut under a bush or something but then as I was still hearing the loud noises, I realized that what I was hearing was his wife on the phone very upset talking to 911. At this point I was dressed but had no shoes on, my hair was not brushed andwas  still wet from the shower. I ran to their house rang the door bell, Marcella (his wife) opened the door while on the phone and I ran to the backyard. (ok so, I didn't actually find him, she knew he was down there but because she is on oxygen and has a tank with a tube that follows her around, she couldn't get to him so i was the first to get to him). I will never forget seeing him laying there with his mouth open and looking at his teeth!!! In the rush of the moment and the adrenaline build up, I couldn't remember his name so I leaned over and checked for a pulse and talked to him calling him Sir (instead of Ron) but nothing!!! By the time I stood up, the paramedics were there and another neighbor had arrived so I went in the house and stayed with Marcella until I felt it was ok to run home and call Ali's school and tell them I was going to be late to pick her up (my driveway was blocked by all the emergency vehicles). I got my shoes and brushed my hair, called Brandon to see if he could leave work and pick Ali up and then went back to the glass door to see what was going on. The last thing I saw as I looked out that door was him being zipped up in a blue bag and being carried to the ambulance.

I went back to Marcella's and by this time some of her family had arrived. The other neighbor Tina, and I waited until everyone had left and Marcella was on her way to the hospital ( they didn't tell her that he had died while they were at the house).

I picked up Ali and went through my day like usual.

The next morning, B was headed out of town for meetings and was up early around 4:30 am getting ready to leave. I woke up and had this overwhelming feeling that I didn't want him to go.  The feeling got worse and I told him something was wrong with me and I thought I was dying (first thought was having a heart attack), Brandon woke the kids up and got ready to take me to the hospital but I soon realized because I have seen it happen to my sister, that I was having a panic attack. He called the Dr. (when you call the Dr. in the middle of the night in Utah you get the answering service and they page the Dr., then the Dr calls you back) there was no answering service so he left a message.  I told him to call Hillary and my mom and luckily they were able to talk me out of it.  I went to the Dr. that morning as soon as they opened and my Dr. told me that the panic attack was a natural reaction to having a traumatic experience.  I told her that it wasn't the first time I had been with somebody when they died but she explained that because this was unexpected, this was the way my body decided to react and that it probably wouldn't happen again.  She gave me a prescription for 10 xanax and told me to call her if the anxiety got worse.  (I'm happy to report that 3 years later, I still have 9 1/2 xanax's left).

I went through that day waiting for the next panic attack feeling like it was going to happen any second and anytime I talked about the experience or was asked about it, those panic feelings came back.  Brandon had to go out of town the next morning.

How it has affected me

For the first week after the panic attack, I was very on edge and had a hard time doing anything because I was afraid that I was going to have a heart attack.  I didn't eat anything but Healthy Choice soup and low sodium saltine crackers, and lost about 6 pounds.  

I never missed a work out because I thought "at least if I'm exercising, I'm less likely to have a heart attack and I will stay healthy".  For months, everything I did caused the thought to go through my head "am I going to die" or "if I do this or eat that am I going to have a heart attack".  I don't know how long it took but I came to a point where I would slowly eat a hamburger or a piece of pizza to show myself that I would be ok.  (still all the time knowing I shouldn't eat it or thinking I was going to have a heart attack because I ate it).

Before this experience, I was never a worrier.  Just before it happened, I had been having a lot of testing done on my heart.  It was never something I worried about, I always ate anything I wanted, I was never afraid that something bad was going to happen to me. 

 I still am constantly thinking about what I am eating and although I am pretty much back to eating what I want and my exercise routine has changes dramatically, I always have thoughts in the back of my head but now it's usually more like "am I going to get some kind of cancer or when am I going to get it". I often take an herbal stress relief supplement to help calm me down and have had 1 panic attack since that day.  I have listened to depression and anxiety cd's and done work books which really made a huge difference but the thing that helped me the most was when I talked to my dad (who is a psychologist) and he told me when I get those anxious feelings, just ignore them.  ( i could go on and on about anxiety).

It took me almost a year before I could go over to the side of our yard where the fence divided it from theirs and pretty much avoided Marcella as much as possible because every time I saw her, she would bring up that day.  (the first time I talked to her after things had calmed down for her, she asked me if his eyes were open when I got to him)

My Opinion

Ok so, because a am a believer that most things happen for a reason here is how I feel about this experience and why it happened to me.

My Mitchell,  has always been extra sensitive and had a tendency to cry more than most kids and about things that most kids wouldn't cry over.  Just before he finished 2nd grade he started feeling like something bad was going to happen to him or that he was going to die.  He got to a point where he wouldn't leave the house or his bedroom for that matter.  He wouldn't eat,sleep, play.  He was ALWAYS worried.  (this is another really long story that I could talk about forever).  He had what my dad called the 7 year old version of a panic attack twice.   I  honestly feel like I had to go through my experience with the neighbor because  Mitch was going to have anxiety no matter what.  I needed to have a traumatic experience to cause the same anxiety that he would go through so that I could help him through it. 

So there is my really long experience which actually could have been a  lot longer but let me say just one last thing.  If you know somebody that has anxiety, it is real.  They can't make it just go away.  They have real feelings in their body  of heaviness, chest pain, not being able to breath etc.  It is really hard for people that haven't experienced it to understand, which is why I feel like I had to feel it so I could help Mitch.  

Now, after writing all this and reading it over with pounding heart, I am going to take my herbal stress relief!!!!!!